English English jokes

Greetings Chaoty
nice of you to breathe life into here
lets get going again

Big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan . Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The rest of the European community (except France ) is sending money.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

The British, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.

A couple were invited to a swanky family party where there was a
masked fancy dress party theme.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband that he
should just go to the party without her. He, being a devoted
husband, insisted that he stay at home to take care of her, but
she argued and said that she was going to take an aspirin and go
to bed and that there was no need for him to jeopardize having a
great night by staying at home.

So he eventually agreed, put on his costume and away he went. The
wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
feeling any pain whatsoever. As it was still relatively early, she
decided to go to the party after all.

As her husband didn't know what costume she was going to wear, she
thought she would have some fun by watching the way he acted when
she was not around.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, gallivanting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every attractive girl he could whilst copping a little feel here,
and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he immediately left his partner high and dry and devoted all his
attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband.

After a few more drinks he whispered a little proposition> into
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to a nearby park and made
passionate love.

Before unmasking and saying good night to her husband, she slipped
away discreetly at 12:30 AM, drove home and put her costume away
and jumped into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make up for this unacceptable behavior.


She was sitting up reading a book when he came in at 1:00 AM, so
she asked what kind of a night he had. "Ohhh, the same old stuff.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

She then asked, "So did you dance much?" He replied, "To be
honest, I didn't dance at all because when I got there, I met up
with Billy and a few boys, so we just went into the spare room and
played poker all night"

"Well you must have looked pretty ridiculous wearing that costume
all night while you were playing poker!" she said with unashamed
sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Nah not at all, I gave my costume
to your brother at the start of the night, he apparently had the
time of his life."

embarrassing !!!

only for grown-ups!!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!!!!!

Well, Yoli, that is really naughty.There's not only a limit to "All you can eat". ggg If it helped to cheer you up during that time, purpose served.

well Fedi it is not everyone’s taste as we can see by the missing remarks..hihi
Maybe I stick with brave jokes instead. As you say it amused me in hospital so much so, that I could manage to repeat it. It is truly Irish

A lonely young farmer advertised for a wife.
A country girl replied and said her father would give a tractor as a dowry.
The young farmer replied: "Please send me a photograph of the tractor."

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher

A customer askes at the ticket office: "Two to Toulouse!"
The next customer wants the same: "Two to Toulouse, too!"
Now the ticket officer grins at him: "Taratata-to-to"

your joke Rose reminds me of

To be or not to be. – Shakespeare
To do is to be. – Nietzsche
To be is to do. – Sartre
Do be do be do. – Sinatra