English English jokes

Queen Elizabeth, George Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

George Bush was so jealous, he started screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you???? The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zim too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....
He called Zim and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked
"Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One Zim dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one dollar??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".

Two Hollywood producers were watching the star of a Las Vegas show. "I wonder who made her dress," said one of them admiringly.
"It's hard to say," said the other. "Most probably the police."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

The warden of a Midwest prison sent a note around to the inmates asking for suggestions on the kind of party they'd recommend to celebrate his 25th anniversary.
The prisoners all had the same idea - Open House.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

A bus full of old Irish men and women was driving on a highway in Germany.
Suddenly there was a panel with a big arrow and the word "AUSFAHRT".
Fifty kilometers away there was another panel with the same arrow and the
word "AUSFAHRT".
Fifty kilometers away there was another panel, the same one; and one of
the old travellers touched the elbow of his neighboor and said
"Well, it's must be a big town !"

... and another one:

This one relies on accents so you will have to read it aloud
There is an Unemployed Irishman and an Upper class Englishman
(to get his accent try speaking through your nose)

Words you should know: porch = Veranda

The Irishman is going from door to door in a posh neighbourhood

I: Excuse me sir but could you spare me the price of a cup of
tea?

E: I am sorry my man but I don't belive in free handouts. However
I tell you what if you paint the porch for me I'll give you five pounds

The Irishman agrees and the Englishman gives him a pot of green paint

E: I'll be round the back if you need me

A while later the Irish man goes to find the Englishman having finished
the job

E:(As he hands over the 5 pounds) I trust you made a good job of it

I: Sure I did, just one thing it wasn't a Porsch it was a Rolls

An earthworm came out of its hole, looked around, saw nearby another earthworm and fell in love at once.
"Oh dear", it said, "you look so nice, I love you, do you want to marry me?" "Oh, please, don't be stupid,
I'm your other end!"

Last week I had an appointment with a dentist. While sitting in the waiting room, I noticed a diploma hanging on the wall, showing the complete name of the dentist. Suddenly I remembered a boy at my school having the same name. He was a slender young man, always diligent and very popular.
But that was about 30 years ago. Still, could at be him??
When I entered his treatment room, I immediately put that thought away.
This bald-headed, gray-bearded man with all these terrible wrinkles could never be him! He was far too old, to have been in my class.
Nevertheless, after he had examined my teeth, I asked him had he been at the high-school in this town.
“Yes”, he said.
“When did you finish high-school?”, I asked him.
“1982, why?”, he wanted to know.
“Well, you were in my class then!”, I answered.
He looked at me very closely and then asked:
“What subject did you teach?”