English English jokes

Good jokes, julchen.

Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Ein Geistlicher und ein australischer Schafhirte treten bei einem Quiz gegeneinander an. Nach Ablauf der regulären Fragerunde steht es unentschieden, und der Moderator der Sendung stellt die Stichfrage, die da lautet:
Schaffen Sie es, innerhalb von 5 Minuten einen Vers auf das Wort "Timbuktu" zu reimen?
Die beiden Kandidaten ziehen sich zurück.
Nach 5 Minuten tritt der Geistliche vor das Publikum und stellt sein Werk vor:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu..."

Das Publikum ist begeistert und wähnt den Kirchenmann bereits als den sicheren Sieger.
Doch da tritt der australische Schafhirte vor und dichtet:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we where two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.












"That's me before the surgery!"

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Q. Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven.

@ tinamarie

LoL

Another blonde joke:

Q: What did the mom say to her blonde daughter before a date?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12 come home.

Elizabeth

@ digizar

You have been very busy last day. I would say: “Go on, I like them”.

Wife: You keep my photo in the wallet all the time?

Husband: Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone.

Wife: See? I am your miracle right?

Husband: Of course. When I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!

Elizabeth