English English jokes

did you hear that joke about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
No?
Well, well, well ...

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke.
The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on the lake.

HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

An Irishman went homewards after having a few Guiness' in a harbour bar, when he saw a lot of people struggling and fighting in the streets. He pondered for a moment, then walked up to them and tapped the nearest one on the shoulder, asking, "Excuse me, sir - is this a private party, or may I join in?"

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

Wife accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into the office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse."

"Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you’re going to die," she replied.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

And then everything crashed.

a bit morbid

True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 
 

after Trump praises health care of Nambia, a nonexistent African country, in one of his last speeches and after his "covfefe" tweet still baffles the nation a lot of jokes are coming up like this .. and yes, it's a free picture - free to use -