English English jokes

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

The little camel asks his mother:
Mum why do we have these big humps?
Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can drink.
And mum. Why do we have this large fur?
Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don’t feel cold.
And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot sand.
But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

A Scotsman, an Irish man and a blonde are at a swimming pool!! An angel comes along and tells them that they are to jump into the pool and whatever they shout out, they will be swimming in!
The Scotsman jumps first and shouts out "Scotch" and finds himself swimming in fine Single Malt Whisky!
The Irish man is second. He shouts out "Guinness" and he lands in lovely black Guinness!
The blonde moves forward, trips and yells "SHIT"...

A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

“Young man,” he declared, “do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?”

“Oh, hell,” replied the drunkard. “I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli.”

I love Snow

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."