English English jokes

voli, very nice! Lifelike!

another joke:

Godspeed!
"They never let me drive at the Vatican," the pope says to his driver. "I´d really like to drive today." The driver sighs, and gets into the back of the car. The pope starts driving, an soon reaches a speed of 150 mph. A policeman stops them, and radios back to his boss.
"Bring him in," says the boss. "I don´t think we want to do that. He´s really important," says the policeman.
Boss: "Whom have you got? The mayer?"
Policeman: "Bigger."
Boss: "The prime minister?"
Policeman: "Bigger."
"Well", says the boss, "who is it then?"
Policeman: "I think it´s God!"
The boss is really interested now. "What makes you think it´s God?" he asks.
Policeman: "His driver is the pope!"

hihi Godspeed!!
Very nice one Bärbel
here is a short one

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

Cars and bicycles

Three men have died and now they stand before God. The Almighty asks the first man whether he was faithful to his wife. The man admits that he had two affairs during his marriage. God gives him a small car to drive in heaven. The second man tells God that he had only one affair, and he gets a mid-range car. The third man tells God he was absolutely faithful, and he receives a luxury car. One week later, the three friends meet. Suddenly, the man driving the luxury car starts to cry. "What´s wrong with you?" the friends ask. "Well, I´ve just seen my wife, and she was riding a bicycle!"

Bärbel

better late than never..just read this joke and I like it.thanks Bärbel
I think I can find one for you as well...hihi

here it is

When you have an “I hate my job day”
Try this out;
Stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometer section und purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock the door and close the curtains over the windows and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Sit in your favourite chair and open the package of the thermometer.
Now the fun begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print you will read a statement:
“Every rectal thermometer from Johnson & Johnson has been personally tested and re-sanitized”.
Now close your eyes and repeat five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

anybody reading here??????????????

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Teacher: 'What's your name?'
Pupil: “Walter Miller.”
Teacher: “Always say “Sir” when speaking to a teacher”
Pupil (apologising)” “Sir Walter Miller.”

and still "children"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee' s home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

Hello '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No '
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the Boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

Yes .'
May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '
No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the Boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
Busy doing what?'
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..... 'ME

Jenny: My grandfather made a scarecrow that looked so terrible that every single crow flew away.

Benny: That´s nothing. I made one that scared the crows so much that they brought back the corn they stole last year.

Bärbel

A world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following reasons:

In Eastern Europe they didn´t know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn´t know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn´t know what "food" meant.

In China they didn´t know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn´t know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn´t know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn´t know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In the UK they hung up because they couldn´t understand the Indian accent!

Bärbel

Anybody reading here?

I like the jokes very much. Here's one of mine:

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?