English English jokes

What a cheeky boy. A little story to this. My mother bought a red coat and looked quite nice from the back. She dyed her hair jet black, but her face, was a face of a 68 year “young” lady. A similar thing happened to her, but the man was polite and said he thought it was someone else.
Bärbel, your joke is…hihi could well have been a Scottish joke.
At the moment I have to go and look for some new jokes. I’ll be back
Love to all

Yoli, I didn´t laugh at all the aids but ABOUT all the aids - sorry!

Another yoke:

Be prepared

The Indians go to their chief and ask if the winter is going to be cold. The chief says that they should collect wood, just to be prepared. He then calls the National Weather Service and ask, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone says, "This winter is going to be really cold."
So the chief tells his people to find every piece of wood they can. A week later, he calls the weather service again: "Are you sure this winter is going to be cold?" he ask. "No doubt about it," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

I truly did not notice anything wrong about laughing at all the aids.

The one about the Indians is great. Thats life sometimes

now>> here is a lot to read and laugh about
Have fun!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, „thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Reading your joke, I can feel the atmosphere in that church and the end is a real roar. Guess that lady wished to vanish into the air after recognizing what the scrotum is.
Here is my own similar experience:
Once we spent a wonderful holiday on Kreta lodging in a high-class hotel with a splendid kitchen. Every day they served delicious pastry for coffee. After a few days I asked the waiter to get me
the recipe of those delicate little balls.He looked at me rather puzzled and when I confirmed my request he went to the kitchen. When he came out again he talked to other waiters: all of them grinned or suppressed laughter. He announced that the pastry cook would give me the recipe personally.
Finally the cook came -friendly smiling- with the recipe and let me know, that the waiters know a very different meaning of "balls" and I must excuse the misunderstanding. Later at home, my dictionary solved the mystery: it's another word for scrotum)

yes the English language has some words sounding the same and different meanings.
When I was 17 I went to England to learn the language. I had just a few words and travelled on my own. I stopped in a Cafeteria called Forties. At that time you had to get the Food...>>Self-service. Of course I did not know that something like that existed. I sat and sat and got more flushed and thirsty and hungry, always was I hoping that someone would come and ask what I wanted. I had a piece of paper ready with my wishes.
NO! No one came. So I stood up and left.
In the next cafe, I was served. At the end I wanted to pay and seem to remember that the word was something like belt.
I said >> please the belt! Instead of the bill.
Laughter of course, it meant that I would like to be spanked.

A few jokes for the weekend:

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes to a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear.
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: Damn, some asshole has my pen!
-----
Colin: You remind me of the sea!
Ann: Because I'm so wild, reckless and romantic?
Colin: No - you make me sick!
-----
Teacher: you should have been here at eight o'clock!
Pupil: Why, what happened?
-----
Judy: Do you believe in free speech?
Punch: I centainly do!
Judy: Good, can I use your telephone?

A nice weekend wishes Rosemarie

hihihi
I found this joke in this Forum

Re: Youtube as an aid to make the ears "smoother" to listen to the english language
geschrieben von Elizabeth am 13.08.2010 18:23 als Antwort auf Elizabeth vom 11.08.2010 18:35
Frogetful Couple2
________________________________________

Hallo, everyone,

My joke for today

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly".
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Wish you a nice evening

Hihihi...How lucky I am, that he still knows my name...

"Waiter, what soup is this?" "It's bean soup, sir"
"I don't care what it was, I want to know what it is now!"
---
Diner: "This restaurant must have a very clean kitchen"
owner: "Thank you sir, but how did you know?"
diner: "Everything tastes of soap"
---

The famous pianist Arthur Rubinstein did not like to sign autographs after concerts. He said his hands were too tired. After a concert in Boston he saw a little girl of ten waiting outside the dressing room with her autograph-book. "I know your hands are tired, sir", she said to Rubinstein, "but mine are too - from clapping".
She got her autograph.

I've Had A Course In First Aid
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped
him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."