English English jokes
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
:-)
WoSchi you dear, I just read the jokes here. I have forgotten to read here in the last time. I do love the one about the Jew in the Bar!! Great. But the one about condom is great as well.
Half funny!
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.
If the shops are lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colours....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
this one is for yoli :-)
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
w o s c h i !! *g*
I love it!
thank you for making me laugh
Hang-Over
Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: „Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.“
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, „Son, what happened last night?“
His son says, „Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.“
Confused, Tom asks, „So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?“
His son replies, „Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, „Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!“
Conclusion:
A self-induced hangover – $100.00
Broken furniture – $200.00
Breakfast – $10.00
Saying the right thing – Priceless
durchfall und erbrechen
When you have an “I hate my job day”
Try this out;
Stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometer section und purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock the door and close the curtains over the windows and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Sit in your favourite chair and open the package of the thermometer.
Now the fun begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print you will read a statement:
“Every rectal thermometer from Johnson & Johnson has been personally tested and re-sanitized”.
Now close your eyes and repeat five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”