English English jokes

LG
Virginia

That's AWESOME! 

THX

Thanks for the Soda, Pop!

Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid.
Sure enough, my car overheated.
Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me.
The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick Coke, and the empty coolant container Diet Pepsi.
I finished the trip safely.

Greetings
Via

... I could not resist  :-)

A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Greetings from Via

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak .
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It
was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have
an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a
laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think
before you speak.