English English jokes

yes yes..just seen woman walk around dressed like that in Morocco..that is a good one

lost in translation ...

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

(Übersetzungshilfe: he had a paper route: er war Zeitungsausträger)

... an old obe but .. a good one :-)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."

time for another jiggle :-)

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she ...came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

I swear!!!
There were sub-titles before :-)
No idea where they have gone to ...

a little story from Scottland

A film crew was filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by. "Tomorrow rain," he informed them and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past: "Tomorrow sunshine," he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day.
The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy.
"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.
(As the old saying goes, "Want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!")