English English jokes

Some of my food is a joke really. My cooking is ceative :)

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a pauper's churchyard. Many years later, one town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a while, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." He thought a while, then said, "Isn't there that famous English detective in Vienna - what's his name? Maybe he can solve the mystery..."
So the famous man was called. He came with a friend of his, kneeled by the grave and listened intently. Then he said, "Elementary, my dear Watson. That's Mozart decomposing."
 

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
 
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

Okay, feedback:  Beide schön!

decomposing Mozart..that one is just brilliant
Love it

Shame on Frankies Father

Sayes ..the poor men...hopefully some of the can cook
Now I go in search of a good one

wait a moment

hihihi

If you understand English, press 1.
If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

That can be a good solution!

'Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.' Billy Connolly


 

I knew the first part but did not expect the second part of the sentence.
haha



What is a cat’s favorite song? Three Blind Mice.

poor mice!

Now, this is not PC and I just put it in here to demonstrate how awful jokes can be, so strictly educational, not for a laugh! Or even a smile!

 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'


 I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Les Dawson

I think Les was a bit iffi even in his own time. Today he would not stand a chance.

 10 famous comedians on how political correctness is killing comedy:

https://www.salon.com/2015/06/10/10_famous_comedians_on_how_political_correctness_is_killing_comedy_we_are_addicted_to_the_rush_of_being_offended/
 

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honour," George said. "Why would you turn it down?" "Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented him, "but what should I say?"
"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ...
'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.
Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"